Trauma Therapy in Seattle Explains: How Do I Know If My Childhood Was Traumatic?
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Many adults quietly carry a question they’ve never spoken out loud: Was my childhood actually traumatic?
Maybe nothing “big” happened. You weren’t hit. You weren’t abandoned. Your childhood might even look good on paper.
And yet, something in your adult life still feels difficult—your nervous system is on alert, relationships feel confusing, or you find yourself reacting more strongly than you’d like.
You might wonder: Why do I shut down when someone gets close? Why do I feel anxious even when nothing is wrong? Why do I feel like something is missing and I can’t explain what?
If you’ve ever had those thoughts, you’re in the right place. As someone who practices trauma therapy in Seattle, I see this every day. And the truth is often this:
Childhood trauma isn’t always loud. Sometimes it’s quiet, chronic, and invisible—even to you.
Hi, I’m Diane Dempcy, a trauma therapist in Seattle, and a certified EMDR therapist. Along with trauma, I also specialize in anxiety and support for parents of children experiencing a mental health crisis.
This article will help you understand the difference between obvious trauma and subtle trauma, how emotional neglect and chronic stress shape your nervous system, and what to do if you’re beginning to wonder whether your childhood was more impactful than you realized.
Obvious Trauma vs. Subtle Trauma
Most people have a clear mental image of what trauma is supposed to look like: physical abuse, sexual abuse, or chaotic and dangerous environments. That’s what we’ve been taught to recognize.
But many adults who come to trauma therapy in Seattle are dealing with something far quieter—what we often call developmental trauma or subtle trauma.
Trauma is not defined by the event—it’s defined by what happened inside you.
Subtle trauma doesn’t usually come from one big moment. It happens slowly, in the everyday rhythm of a childhood where emotional needs weren’t met in reliable or healthy ways. Maybe a parent was loving but overwhelmed. Maybe your family avoided talking about feelings. Maybe you learned early that it was safer to be quiet, perfect, or self-sufficient.
Nothing dramatic happened—and yet, your nervous system was adapting the whole time.
If you want a deeper explanation of trauma and its impact, you can visit the main pillar blog: A Trauma Therapist’s Guide to Trauma Therapy in Seattle (link in your final version).
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Emotional Neglect:
The Trauma You Can’t “See”
If physical neglect is the absence of safety or care, emotional neglect is the absence of attunement. It’s when a child’s inner world goes unseen or unsupported.
This might look like growing up with a parent who was physically present but emotionally unavailable—maybe because they were stressed, depressed, anxious, or simply never taught how to connect. It could also be a family where feelings were minimized, or where no one asked how you were really doing.
People often tell me:
“My parents loved me, they just didn’t really talk about emotions.”
“Nothing bad happened—I just handled things alone.”
“They provided everything… except comfort.”
Emotional neglect is subtle, but its impact is not. When no one helps you name or soothe your feelings as a child, you learn to turn inward, shut things down, and cope alone. As an adult, that can become chronic anxiety, distance in relationships, or the haunting sense that you’re “too much” or “not enough.”
Lack of Attunement: Growing Up Without Being Truly Seen
Attunement is that deep sense of being known. It’s when someone notices your feelings, responds to them, and helps you make sense of your inner experience.
When attunement is missing—even in a loving family—it can leave you feeling alone in a way you can’t fully describe. Many clients say things like:
“I was loved, but no one really understood me.”
“I didn’t want to burden anyone.”
“We didn’t talk about anything emotional.”
If you didn’t receive attunement, you may have learned to stay small, quiet, or overly responsible. You may have grown into the “easy child” who asked for nothing—or the “perfect one” who performed for approval.
Later in life, this often looks like difficulty trusting others, trouble opening up, or feeling like your emotions are too much.
None of that means you did something wrong. It means you adapted to what was missing.
Chronic Stress: The Slow Drip of Childhood Overwhelm
Many adults don’t realize that chronic stress in childhood can be traumatic, even without any dramatic events.
Photo courtesy of Mukesh Sharma @ Upsplash.com
Emotional neglect is real trauma—even if you can’t recall a single ‘bad’ memory
Imagine growing up with a parent who was overwhelmed, a household that felt tense, or expectations that always felt just a little too high. Maybe you were praised for being independent, responsible, or “mature”—but underneath was a child who didn’t get to relax or feel supported.
You might have lived through:
A home where conflict simmered just below the surface
A parent who struggled with their own emotions
A family culture of perfectionism
Pressure to be strong, calm, or successful
Frequent moves, instability, or unpredictability
Over time, your nervous system learns to stay “on,” even when nothing is haoTppening. As an adult, this often becomes anxiety, overthinking, difficulty resting, or the persistent feeling that something bad might happen at any moment.
This is trauma, too—just a quieter form.
Examples Clients Often Bring To Trauma Therapy In Seattle
People rarely come into trauma therapy saying, “I experienced trauma.” More often, the conversation starts with something like:
“I don’t know why I’m like this.” Or “I had a good childhood… I think?”
Here are some patterns that often lead people to explore their past more deeply:
You were the peacemaker, constantly smoothing things over.
You learned to be very independent because no one could handle your emotions.
You always felt pressure to be “the good one,” “the easy one,” or “the successful one.”
You grew up in a home where everything looked fine from the outside, but it felt tense or unpredictable on the inside.
You were praised for being mature and responsible—long before you were ready to be.
You didn’t feel close to your caregivers, even if they were loving people.
None of these sound dramatic. And that’s exactly why subtle trauma is overlooked so often.
Why Subtle Trauma Is So Hard to Recognize
Subtle trauma doesn’t always stand out because:
You normalize it.
Whatever we grow up with becomes “just how life is.”
You minimize it.
Children naturally protect caregivers by shrinking their own pain.
There’s nothing “big” to point to.
Subtle trauma happens in a thousand small moments, not one big one.
You became highly functional.
Success can mask trauma for decades.
Your family narrative says everything was fine.
But your body might have a different story.
If you’re asking these questions now, it might be because part of you is finally ready to understand the truth with compassion.
How Trauma Therapy Can Help You Understand Your Story
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You don’t need a dramatic memory, a clear narrative, or a self-diagnosis before reaching out for support. Trauma therapy—especially approaches like EMDR, somatic work, and IFS—can gently help you understand your past without overwhelming you.
In therapy, you might begin to:
Notice how your nervous system reacts to stress or closeness
Understand the ways you coped as a child
See how those strategies show up in your relationships
Build internal safety so you can feel more grounded
Reconnect with feelings you had to shut down
Offer compassion to younger parts of yourself
The goal isn’t to blame anyone.
The goal is to give your nervous system the understanding and support it never had.
For a deeper explanation of trauma and healing, see the main pillar blog: A Trauma Therapist’s Guide to Trauma Therapy in Seattle (link in your final version).
When to Consider Reaching Out For Trauma Therapy In Seattle
You may benefit from trauma therapy if you notice things like:
Constant anxiety or tension
Feeling disconnected or numb
Difficulty trusting, opening up, or resting
Harsh self-criticism
People-pleasing or perfectionism
Feeling responsible for everyone
A quiet sense that something wasn’t right growing up
Your story does not have to be dramatic for it to matter.
If something inside you is curious or aching or confused—that is enough.
Wrapping It Up
If this article brought up a sense of recognition or relief, it might be time to explore your story more deeply.
You don’t need to be certain.
You don’t need a label.
You don’t need a dramatic story.
You only need a little curiosity.
She provides compassionate and evidence based trauma therapy in Seattle. Through approaches like EMDR, DBT, and mindfulness based psychotherapy, she helps clients break free from shame, reclaim their self worth, and create meaningful connections. Diane’s clients experience her as direct, empowering, warm, and accepting.
Explore her specialties, Trauma Therapy, EMDR Therapy, Anxiety Therapy. Learn more on her About page.
