Boundaries and the Fawn Response: Learning That “No” Is a Full Sentence
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Have you ever said yes when every part of you wanted to say no? Maybe you agreed to help someone when you were already exhausted, or you stayed quiet to keep the peace when something didn’t feel right. If so, you’re definitely not alone.
In my work providing trauma therapy in Seattle, I talk with many people who feel uncomfortable or even guilty when they try to set boundaries. They might say things like, “I don’t want to hurt anyone,” or “I feel bad saying no.” Underneath that guilt is often something called the fawn response—a survival habit that forms when keeping others happy once felt safer than speaking up.
Hi, I’m Diane Dempcy, a trauma therapist in Seattle, and a certified EMDR therapist. Along with trauma, I also specialize in anxiety and support for parents of children experiencing a mental health crisis.
Why Saying No Can Feel So Hard
If you grew up in an environment where conflict, rejection, or withdrawal followed anytime you spoke up, your body learned a message: staying agreeable keeps you safe. So even as an adult, saying “no” might make your stomach tighten or your heart race. You might worry that someone will get angry, pull away, or think you’re selfish.
This isn’t about being weak or dramatic—it’s your nervous system remembering that being agreeable kept you safe. Saying yes became a way to hold onto connection, even if it meant losing touch with your own needs.
Over time, though, that pattern can start to backfire. Constantly saying yes can leave you overworked, resentful, or uncertain about what you truly want. It can even make relationships feel one-sided or exhausting. Healing often starts when you realize: It’s not my job to keep everyone comfortable at my own expense.
What the Fawn Response Really Means
The fawn response is one of the body’s ways of staying safe after trauma. You’ve probably heard of fight, flight, or freeze—fawning is the fourth option. Instead of running or fighting, fawning means pleasing others to avoid conflict or harm.
For example, you might:
Apologize when you haven’t done anything wrong.
Go along with plans you don’t actually want.
Try to fix everyone’s moods or make peace quickly after disagreements.
Feel anxious if someone’s upset with you—even if it’s not your fault.
None of these reactions means you’re weak. They mean your body learned that being agreeable once helped you feel safe in an unsafe environment. The good news is that healing teaches your nervous system a new truth: you can be safe and have boundaries.
If you want a deeper dive into where the fawn response comes from, you can check out my blog on the topic: Fawn Response: What It Is and How It Affects You.
Small, Gentle Ways to Start Practicing Boundaries
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When you start learning to say no, it’s important to go slow and be kind to yourself. You don’t have to make huge changes overnight. Learning to be true to yourself and state what you need is about small, steady practice. Here are a few steps that can help:
1. Pause before you answer.
If someone asks something of you, try saying, “Let me think about it,” instead of jumping straight to yes. This tiny pause gives your nervous system a moment to settle and gives you space to check in with what you actually want.
2. Start with low-stakes situations.
You don’t need to start by saying no to your boss or your mom. Try something simple—turning down an extra favor or declining plans when you’re tired. Building confidence in small moments helps your body learn that saying no doesn’t lead to danger.
3. Expect guilt—and meet it with compassion.
It’s normal to feel guilty at first. Your brain might tell you that you’re being selfish or mean. When that happens, remind yourself: “I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m learning to take care of myself.”
Boundaries don’t have to look perfect. Progress might just mean noticing when you’re about to people-please and choosing to pause instead of reacting automatically. That’s healing.
How Trauma Therapy in Seattle Helps You Feel Safe Saying No
For most people, the hardest part of boundaries isn’t the “no” itself—it’s handling what happens afterward. Maybe someone looks disappointed, or you feel anxiety in your chest. This is where therapy can make a big difference.
In trauma therapy in Seattle, I help clients slow down those automatic reactions and build safety in the body. We might explore what happens inside when you imagine saying no: the tension in your shoulders, the quick breath, the wave of guilt. With grounding, breathing, and gentle nervous system work, you start to realize that discomfort isn’t danger—it’s just an old response showing up.
Therapy also helps you:
Recognize your fawning patterns so they don’t run the show.
Build regulation tools—like grounding, breathwork, or mindful breaks—that calm your body when guilt or fear show up.
Reframe conflict so it feels less like rejection and more like honesty.
Over time, your body learns that you can stay connected to yourself and your loved one even when someone’s not completely happy with you. That’s when boundaries start to feel freeing instead of scary.
When “No” Starts to Feel Like Freedom
There’s a beautiful moment in healing when saying “no” stops feeling like you’re letting someone down and starts feeling like you’re taking care of yourself. You realize that protecting your time, energy, and peace actually lets you show up more genuinely for the people you care about.
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Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away—they’re about creating enough space for real connection. They help you know where you end and someone else begins, so you can connect from a place of honesty instead of fear.
You don’t have to earn rest, love, or belonging by pleasing others. You deserve them just by being you.
If this resonates with you, and you’re ready to explore how the fawn response has shaped your relationships, I’d love to help. Trauma therapy in Seattle can help you learn how to set boundaries that feel grounded, kind, and authentic. Healing doesn’t mean you stop caring—it means you start including yourself in that care.
3 Gentle Reminders
“No” isn’t rejection—it’s clarity. Boundaries protect what matters most.
You don’t have to earn peace by pleasing others. Healing means you already deserve it.
Small steps toward self-trust can create big shifts in how safe and confident you feel in your own skin.
Wrapping It Up
Learning to set boundaries after trauma isn’t about becoming harder or less caring—it’s about finally giving yourself the same compassion you offer everyone else. Saying “no” might feel uncomfortable at first, but each time you do, you’re teaching your body that it’s safe to take up space, to rest, and to be real. Over time, that “no” becomes a doorway to peace, self-trust, and genuine connection.
Diane Dempcy, LMHC
Diane Dempcy, LMHC, provides compassionate and evidence-based trauma therapy in Seattle. Through approaches like EMDR, DBT, and Mindfulness-based psychotherapy, she helps clients break free from shame, reclaim their self-worth, and create meaningful connections. Diane’s clients experience her as direct, empowering, warm, and accepting
She provides online and in-person therapy in Seattle and surrounding cities.
