Understanding How Your Past Shapes Relationship — and How Therapy in Seattle Can Help

Photo courtesy of Meysam-Moghimzade

We all want connection — whether it’s falling in love, feeling close to friends, or being truly seen by family. But if you’ve experienced trauma, especially early in life, relationships can get complicated.

Hi, I’m Diane Dempcy, a trauma therapist in Seattle. I work with people every day who are trying to understand why relationships feel so hard — even when they really want things to go well. If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Often, the root of these struggles lies in how past experiences shaped the way we relate to others.

In this blog, we’ll explore how trauma affects relationships, what attachment styles are, and how therapy can help you heal old patterns and create the kind of connection you’ve been craving.

Let’s Start with Attachment Styles

Attachment theory is a fancy name for something very human: how we learned to relate to others based on our earliest relationships — usually with parents or caregivers. These early patterns stick with us and shape how we connect as adults.

There are four main attachment styles:

• Secure attachment: People with this style feel okay being close to others and also okay being on their own. They trust others and themselves.

• Anxious attachment: This style is all about craving closeness but fearing rejection. These folks often need a lot of reassurance and worry about being left.

• Avoidant attachment: These are the super-independent types. They tend to keep their distance, feel uncomfortable with too much closeness, and may downplay their emotional needs.

• Disorganized attachment: This one’s more complex — it’s often rooted in chaotic or scary childhood experiences. There’s a push-pull dynamic: wanting love but being afraid of it at the same time.

Many of us don’t fit perfectly into just one category — it’s more like a spectrum, and our style might even shift depending on the person we’re with or the situation we’re in.

If you’re exploring therapy in Seattle and wondering how your attachment style affects your life, you may want to read Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller for a deeper dive

How Trauma Can Shake Up Attachment

So where does trauma fit in? The short answer: trauma can really mess with your sense of safety in relationships.

Take Sarah, for example. She grew up with an emotionally distant father who often dismissed her feelings. As a child, she craved his attention and worked hard to please him, even though he rarely acknowleged her. As an adult, Sarah finds herself drawn to emotionally unavailable partners. If she perceives they are pulling away, she becomes anxious, clings, or picks fights — all in an attempt to avoid the deep fear of abandonment she’s carried since childhood.

Sarah’s experience is something I often see in my therapy practice — people trying to make sense of emotional wounds that unconsciously shape their adult relationships.

Photo courtesy of Chinh-Le-Duc

What Trauma Can Look Like in Adult Relationships

Trauma doesn’t just live in your memories — it lives in your body, your reactions, and your relationships. Here are some ways it might be showing up:

• Struggling with trust: Even when your partner or friend is dependable, you may find it hard to believe you’re really safe or loved.

• Fear of vulnerability: Letting someone in feels risky. You might shut down or push people away to avoid getting hurt.

• Big emotional reactions: Conflict or tension can trigger intense feelings — like panic, rage, or numbness — that feel hard to control.

• Repeating unhealthy relationship patterns: Without realizing it, you might be drawn to people who recreate familiar (but painful) dynamics from the past.

This isn’t because something’s wrong with you. It’s because your nervous system adapted to keep you safe. Now, in adulthood, those protective patterns can get in the way of the connection you want.

Healing Attachment Wounds Through Therapy in Seattle

As a therapist in Seattle, I’ve seen people transform their relationships by doing the inner work of healing attachment wounds. Here’s how therapy can help:

1. Trauma-Informed Therapy Approaches

Several powerful therapy methods help people heal from trauma and shift old patterns:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): Helps reprocess traumatic memories so they’re less emotionally charged. See my blog An EMDR Therapist Explains EMDR.

• Somatic experiencing: Focuses on the body’s response to trauma and helps release stored stress.

• Trauma-informed CBT: Blends practical coping tools with emotional awareness.

If you’re considering therapy in Seattle, look for a therapist trained in these approaches — they’re especially effective for attachment and trauma work. See my blog 7 Questions to Ask A Therapist in Seattle.

2. Safe, Supportive Relationships

Healing happens in the context of safe connection. Whether it’s with a partner, a friend, or your therapist, positive relationships can provide the consistent care and stability you may not have had growing up.

3. Increased Self-Awareness

When you start noticing your own patterns — especially in moments of stress or conflict — you can begin to respond instead of react. That’s a powerful shift. Therapy helps you identify triggers and develop new ways of coping.

4. Building Emotional Safety

In therapy, you can learn essential skills like setting boundaries, communicating your needs, and staying grounded during emotional moments. These tools are game-changers for creating healthier relationships.

Over time, your nervous system learns: Okay, maybe it’s safe to trust now.

Final Thoughts from a Trauma Therapist in Seattle

If you’ve been carrying old wounds into your current relationships, know this: you’re not alone, and it’s not your fault. The way you learned to protect yourself made sense at the time — but you don’t have to stay stuck in those patterns.

Healing is possible. And it doesn’t require being perfect — just being willing.

Diane Dempcy Counseling

If you’re ready to explore therapy in Seattle, I’d love to support you. Whether you’re working through trauma, anxiety, or relationship struggles, you deserve a space to feel safe, seen, and supported. Please email me at therapy@dempcycounseling.com

Diane Dempcy provides therapy in Seattle to adults experiencing anxiety and trauma. She utilizes brain-based tools such as EMDR, DBT, and other types of therapy. Diane’s clients experience her as direct, empowering, warm, and accepting

She provides online and in-person therapy in Washington.